Tim’s British Guide to Surviving Portland

1.      Tea vs. Coffee
Do not let anyone convince you that coffee is the answer to everything. Portlanders will try. They are incorrect. Tea is a hug in a cup. Coffee is a laxative.  Lovely, but still a laxative.

2.      Umbrellas Are Socially Unacceptable
Apparently carrying one makes you a tourist. You must embrace the perpetual dampness and forget everything you knew about the sun.

3.      Donuts Are Subjective
Everyone has a “favourite shop.” Be it Voodoo, Pip’s, Doe, Lil’ Funky, or Blue Star, locals are very opinionated about their choice. Mine is the one with the shortest queue.

4.      Unwritten Rules of the TriMet
Don’t block the doors. Thank your bus drivers. And yes, that is a coyote riding the light rail. Don’t you dare ask them to move seats.

5.      Wildlife Is Everywhere
Do not feed the raccoons. They have unions and most likely, roundworms, which also have unions.

6.      Learn to Say “Weird” Fondly
Portland prides itself on being different. “Keep[ing] Portland Weird” is one’s civic duty.

7.      Find a Rose Kachel
Someone has to drag you into trouble, make you laugh despite yourself, and occasionally save your life. Ideally not all in the same day.

8.      Don’t Tell Anyone How Nice It Actually Is

Portland has its issues, like all major cities. But it is, in Rose’s words, “an absolute wonderland.” Do not tell anyone. It’s a secret. Seriously. Stop it.

9.      It’s Pronounced Cooch

Yes, we know. It is spelled Couch, but it’s pronounced Cooch. Learn to say this and Willamette (dammit) right or we will feed you to the Canada geese (Branta canadensis).

10.  Yes, We Have a World Naked Bike Ride (sometimes two)

While public nudity is tolerated to an extent in our numerous strip clubs and during events like the World Naked Bike Ride, we suggest you don’t do it by your lonesome while out on the streets. That’s not quite what I meant by being ‘cheeky.’